Published: April 13, 2008 12:15 am            

WOLCOTT: Pinstriping and maple syrup — Go for it!

Ever since I had red pinstriping put on my car last week I feel 10 years younger and my gas mileage went from 23.7 mpg to 26.9 mpg.

Amazing, but true. Two non-stop round trips to Barker, an oil change, warmer weather and tire inflation may have had something to do with my silver Impala’s better economy, but what can explain a positive disposition that threatens my Social Security eligibility?

Getting the pinstriping is the most impulsive thing I’ve done since thumbing home from New Jersey in 1964. I broached the pinstriping idea to my bride six months ago and she said, “How much will it cost?”

“Price is no object,” I said. “A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.”

She didn’t think I would do it. I did it, at a mom & pop collision shop for less than $25. I was afraid to do it myself. Friends and family warned, “You’ll shoot your eye out.”

My phlebotomist was impressed. “Right arm or left arm?” she said, dazed at first. “Red pinstriping! I like it. Don’t get caught speeding.”

My boss had a similar reaction. “Next you’ll be getting tinted windows and flames,” he said. “I don’t want to see your name in the police report.”

The Hillary in me said, “Do your own thing.” The Barack in me said, “You must be related to Jersey Joe Wolcott?” The McCain in me said, “Nip it in the bud or people will mistake you for being a bleeding liberal.”

Heavens to murgatroid! Snagglepuss said. “Liberal” has become a bad word, since the rule of the Ronald Reagan Republicans.

Liberal is not a bad word. It does not mean, “If it feels good, do it.” It does not mean free drugs and free sex and free government spending. It means being respectful of ideas and behavior of others.

Certainly, we can’t be tolerant of everything, but as an extreme moderate I thought pinstriping would fit my philosophy. I can hardly wait to take a ride in my dressed-up Chevy. Darn the gas prices! Moderate speed ahead.

I feel sorry for conservative folks in pale Buicks.

As for feeling better about myself, maybe the spring tonic had something to do with it. Spring tonic is the sap that runs up and down the sugar maple trees and captured in buckets. Straight from the tree, it’s sugar water. In a dehydrated state, it’s maple syrup.

Maple syrup is good and good for you and better tasting than blackstrap molasses and Norwegian bread. It’s also safer. Molasses people don’t like to be reminded of the Great Molasses Flood in 1919 when a storage tank holding more than 2 million gallons of molasses broke in Boston. It wasn’t slow as molasses, but moved as fast as 35 miles per hour and created a tidal wave. Twenty-one people died in the sweetener.

During the Victorian era, spring tonic advertising was ruthless. Bristol’s sarsaparilla, produced by C.C. Bristol of Buffalo, claimed approval from the medical community and claimed it triumphed over illness.

Sarsaparilla was introduced into European pharmacology in the 16th century as a cure for syphilis. Some said it would cure anything short of a gunshot wound.

I would not recommend sarsaparilla spring tonic. However, an ounce of maple syrup at the Schumacher Farms in Ridgeway seemed to perk me up. It contains fewer calories and a higher concentration of good minerals than honey. There’s potassium, little salt and no fat. It provides has calcium, thiamin, magnesium and riboflavin, zinc.

I’m not a doctor, but the Internet says that and manganese are important allies in the immune system.

Pinstriping and maple syrup are the stuff to pick up your spirits.

Contact reporter Bill Wolcott

at 439-9222, ext. 6246.

        

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