Lockport Union-Sun & Journal Online

Columns

January 31, 2013

FROM THE VALLEY: I get it but I don't know why or how

Lockport Union-Sun & Journal — I started getting a new magazine in the mail a couple of weeks ago. It was somewhat of a surprise. Neither my wife nor I know if it’s a trial subscription — sent to us (for free) — or if one of us had forgotten and, indeed, subscribed to it.

(I’ll not resort to an insensitive joke about the periodical being a senior health-magazine on Alzheimer’s, because there are those politically-correct readers out there whose life’s work is to remind me when I’m being a jerk. Little do they know, that job’s taken – I’m married.)

I found some interesting pieces of (real) news in that magazine (’that’ magazine being: “The Week”).

There was an article about a 400 lb. woman who had crashed through a New York City sidewalk. Apparently, she’d been told that because of her … well … girth, she escaped serious injury. It had cushioned her fall — the extra padding came in handy.

“They said that my size was the only thing that saved me,” so said Ulanda Williams, gravity’s favorite-type-of victim.

In a “What came first: the chicken or the egg?” conundrum, the question begs to be asked (don’t get ahead of me here, it’s my column): Would she have fallen through the sidewalk, in the first place, if she hadn’t been quite so large? (H-m-m-m, all of those broken New Years’ resolutions … did it pay off or cause her literal downfall?)

Moving on. Same magazine, different issue, weird story: In Florida, a couple were on vacation – 200 miles away from home — when their cat, Holly, disappeared. They did a cat-scan and found nothing. (Thank you.)

Two weeks after returning home – without their beloved pet — guess who showed up at their door? Yes! A couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses. But that’s beside the point – the very next day, their lost cat was found in the neighborhood.

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