Lockport Union-Sun & Journal Online

September 19, 2012

My old football injury

Lockport Union-Sun & Journal

Lockport Union-Sun & Journal — I can tell that the weather is changing because my sinuses are going nuts. One minute I cannot breathe, and then the next minute I can take deep breaths without any problem. I wish I had the ability to tune in the rest of my body like that. It would be helpful if my big toe would twitch each time the drive-thru is going to get my order wrong, or if my elbow would ache every time someone was just about to dive into the checkout line in front of me and then act like they never even saw me.

I guess that anyone could say that it would be easier to deal with things if we were just given some kind of warning, but that is not always the way that life is. Take this whole December 21, 2012 thing for instance. There are a lot of people getting really worked up about this. All kinds of people, and not just religious groups, are getting geared up for what they believe is the end of the world.

Why do we always assume that people we can no longer talk to know more than we do? There are no ancient Mayans to talk to anymore, so we just assume that their calendar is accurate at predicting the end of the world and that the Mayans were super intelligent. What if they were idiots? What if they had man caves, Sunday sports blow outs and demolition derbies with ancient carts, or something?

What if the guy making the calendar got to December 21, 2012, and then his kids broke something in the next room? He spent hours getting the whole thing straightened out and then another couple of days trying to get his wife to believe that he didn't do it.

It seems as though our Mayan time specialist had a habit of blaming broken things on the kids, and the wife just wasn't having it anymore. He and his wife fought for days about it until he just decided to leave. A few months later, she was packing up his stuff and she just threw that stupid, unfinished calendar in the trash. The next thing you know, modern man is going crazy over this calendar.

What? It could happen. I guess my point is that I can usually sense when something pretty horrible is going to happen. I'm no prophet. I just get these feelings when something awful is on the horizon. It's the reason I voted for Ross Perot. I knew that Clinton fella was going to be problems.

Can you imagine how horrible things would be right now if Perot had won the 1992 election? There would be a special detail of the Secret Service dedicated to making sure no space aliens landed on the White House lawns. All of the doors would have to be re-fitted with half-doors. Yeah, I know. I'm doing 20 year old Ross Perot jokes. They aren't even good ones either.

I just cannot shake this "end of the world" thing. What if the Mayans were right? The only other alternative is that the Mayans were so smart that they knew that a calendar that ends on December 21, 2012 would drive everyone in the future nuts. An advanced society that plays practical jokes on people that would not be born for almost 2,000 years is one that should be taken seriously.

Here is something else to ponder. What if the Mayans knew the end of the world was coming, but took the joke one step further? What if the Mayans knew the end of the world was coming on December 22, 2012 and sent us this December 21st calendar on purpose?

It would be just like the Wile E. Coyote cartoons where the fuse burns all the way down to the stick of dynamite, but the dynamite doesn't blow up. Just when Wile E. Coyote gets over to the dynamite to check it out, it blows up in his face. We will all be bracing for the end of the world on December 21, 2012, but nothing will happen. When we all crawl out of our bomb shelters to see what is going on, the whole thing blows up.

My trick index finger is not hurting and my old football injury is not flaring up. I have nothing to indicate that the end of the world is really coming on December 21, 2012. Then again, what if we don't see it coming?

George N Root III is a Lockport resident and reincarnated 16th century religious prophet. His column appears every Wednesday, even on the Mayan calendar. He can be reached at georgeroot@verizon.net until December 22, 2012…then all bets are off.