Lockport Union-Sun & Journal Online

Columns

May 1, 2014

VALLEY: Raking news from the doghouse

Lockport Union-Sun & Journal — My dog, Maggie, was in the backyard near her doghouse when I started raking the yard. Envious of her leisurely life, I asked her, sarcastically, if she wanted to help.

“You know, Maggie” I said, “it wouldn’t hurt if you at least tried to earn your keep and cleaned up around that house I built for you.”

Looking up from the stick she was gnawing on, she barked: “What’s got into you? Why all the energy?”

“Kathie asked me to help rake the yard, that’s all,” I answered. “And being the loving, caring person I am, I’m pulling my weight around here to help in any way I can. That’s how I roll.”

“Yeah, right. When did she ask you to do that?”

“Last September,” I shot back, without any shame. (Why be embarrassed in front of the dog? It’s not like she’s the Energizer Bunny around the place.)

“I thought you went golfing,” Maggie wondered.

“I did,” I said, “but I can’t stand to play with someone who cheats on every hole. It was horrendous — an awful display of poor sportsmanship. I couldn’t take it any longer, so I quit before finishing the round. I drove the golf cart over to my truck and threw my clubs in the back and left in disgust.”

“Wow! That’s somewhat virtuous of you. Who’d you play with?”

“No one. I was playing alone.”

“O-o-o ... kay,” she winced.

“And,” I added, “when, and only when, I find something more annoying than that, will I return to the course and play again.”

Changing the subject, I asked Maggie, “Is that a newspaper you’ve got in your doghouse?”

“Yeah, I was trying to figure out what’s going on. I can’t figure out how world politics work.” (Maggie is a voracious reader. Well, at least for a dog.)

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