Lockport Union-Sun & Journal Online

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November 14, 2013

VALLEY: Pop goes the weasel

Lockport Union-Sun & Journal — I heard the greatest joke the other day. Let me see if I can retell it without screwing it up.

OK, I’m ready, here it is: 

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford! 

Hello? (tap, tap) Is this thing (microphone) on, eh? 

Rob Ford ... you know ... the Canadian politician accused of being a crack-smoking, boozing, delusional hit man? Get it? 

Well, maybe not the greatest joke, but certainly one of the biggest that Canada has seen in recent memory. As a point of fact, I’m not talking about his weight when I say “biggest.” Well, maybe I am.

Normally, I don’t have an issue with overweight people, but this guy looks like he’s going to pop through his skin. He has passed the obese stage and waddled straight into the burst phase. Pass the chocolate-covered, deep-fried Twinkies, please.

And, personally, I find it hard to feel sorry for a weasel who reeks of gluttony. (To enhance your reading pleasure, reread this column’s title.)

I digressed. Before this scandal broke wide-open and the crack-pipe hit the fan, Ford vehemently denied all allegations.

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Ooops, wrong guy, wrong scandal, wrong country.

But make no mistake: Ford did deny it. That’s before the videos started rolling in. Once his “I am not a crook” routine was rebuffed by visual testimony, the whole world witnessed the largest Ford recall in history.

It happened, Ford confessed, during one of his “drunken stupors.” Notice that in his own words, the word “stupors” is plural. Not a one-time thing.

The most amazing thing to me is that Ford’s lawyer, Dennis Morris, attacked the chief of police for “pontificating” about the fact that he (the head cop) had said he was “disappointed” in the mayor.

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