Lockport Union-Sun & Journal Online

November 14, 2013

VALLEY: Pop goes the weasel

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Lockport Union-Sun & Journal

Lockport Union-Sun & Journal — I heard the greatest joke the other day. Let me see if I can retell it without screwing it up.

OK, I’m ready, here it is: 

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford! 

Hello? (tap, tap) Is this thing (microphone) on, eh? 

Rob Ford ... you know ... the Canadian politician accused of being a crack-smoking, boozing, delusional hit man? Get it? 

Well, maybe not the greatest joke, but certainly one of the biggest that Canada has seen in recent memory. As a point of fact, I’m not talking about his weight when I say “biggest.” Well, maybe I am.

Normally, I don’t have an issue with overweight people, but this guy looks like he’s going to pop through his skin. He has passed the obese stage and waddled straight into the burst phase. Pass the chocolate-covered, deep-fried Twinkies, please.

And, personally, I find it hard to feel sorry for a weasel who reeks of gluttony. (To enhance your reading pleasure, reread this column’s title.)

I digressed. Before this scandal broke wide-open and the crack-pipe hit the fan, Ford vehemently denied all allegations.

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Ooops, wrong guy, wrong scandal, wrong country.

But make no mistake: Ford did deny it. That’s before the videos started rolling in. Once his “I am not a crook” routine was rebuffed by visual testimony, the whole world witnessed the largest Ford recall in history.

It happened, Ford confessed, during one of his “drunken stupors.” Notice that in his own words, the word “stupors” is plural. Not a one-time thing.

The most amazing thing to me is that Ford’s lawyer, Dennis Morris, attacked the chief of police for “pontificating” about the fact that he (the head cop) had said he was “disappointed” in the mayor.

Apparently, being disappointed in your dope-smoking boss, an elected official who is embarrassing you and all the citizens of a supposedly world-class city, is more reprehensible than the actions of a law-breaking, despicable client.

And, actually, if Morris is upset that the police chief is pontificating about the mayor, then what’s he doing with his statements about the chief? Is it any different?

And again, I, personally, tend to believe that having a benign opinion is slightly less objectionable than smoking crack. But that’s just me.

For a city that, at one time, thought the Maple Leafs were the biggest losers, this comes as no surprise. Ford has had run-ins with authorities in the past.

(Disclosure: I’m not sure how big of losers the Leafs were, but I think they’ve turned over a new leaf – thank you! – and sent that losers’ image of ineptitude across the Peace Bridge to you-know-who.)

Point is: In 1999, Ford was arrested in Florida on drunken driving and marijuana possession charges. That, you would think, should have sent up red flags signaling trouble – and the fact that if elected, he would become the dis-honorable mayor of Toronto.

I also believe that around this time a certain “munchie fixation” took hold of our man from The Great White North, which, in turn, led to an insatiable urge for chocolate covered, deep-fried Twinkies taking root.

But hey, it’s just a gut feeling.

With apologies to my Canadian friends, Greg and Adam, eh …

That’s the way it looks from the Valley.

Tom Valley is a Medina resident. Contact him at tvalley@rochester.rr.com.

Tom Valley is a Medina resident. Contact him at tvalley@rochester.rr.com.