Lockport Union-Sun & Journal Online

October 31, 2013

VALLEY: This is what I'm thinking

This is what I'm thinking ...

Lockport Union-Sun & Journal

Lockport Union-Sun & Journal — Just wondering: Other than the hatches, is there anything else you can batten down?

I’ll bet you all the tea in China that if you give me 30 seconds, I can find you a song by Led Zeppelin, Queen or Tom Petty playing on the radio. This is not earth-shattering, it’s just an observation. Try it yourself.

Give me another 30 seconds of watching a televised baseball game and I’ll find you six guys spitting, six people in the stands on a cell phone and another six yawning.

Color me amused by the fact that Sean “Puff-Diddy” Combs is pushing a new television network, which he created, by issuing this statement as a selling point: 

1. “I want to know who Taylor Swift is.”

2. “Why is Miley Cyrus twerking?”

3. “Why did Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake go on tour?”

4. “Why did Kanye West call his daughter North?”

Seriously? First, do you really think there’s enough interest in those people to warrant a network?

Second, who the hell are those people? 

Incidentally, after careful research, here are the respective answers to those questions:

1. Why?

2. Who cares?

3. To make money.

4. He didn’t know how to spell Nora – not unlike the person who actually named him Kenny. 

Next: When growing up, never, in a million years, could I imagine a World Series game still going on at midnight like it did this past Saturday. (Not to mention we’re only days from the month of November.)

Baseball, back then, was a warm afternoon affair that had us kids begging the teachers to turn on a transistor radio during school hours.  If landing on the moon seemed unfeasible, baseball at midnight was even more unfathomable. No way, Jose, kind-of stuff.

Back then, the television stations weren’t even on the air that late. They signed off leaving a test pattern which was the profile of an American Indian.

Speaking of which, I never remember any politically correct do-gooder complaining about how insensitive it was to do such. 

And before I totally depart from baseball, let me add, it’s getting to the point of insufferable, listening to announcer Tim McCarver. Saturday I heard him say, “The pitcher ... (pause) ... is trying to entice the hitter ... (pause) ... to hit the ball hard ... (pause) ... so he can get the double play.” 

Yeah, sure, Tim. I’m certain if you talk to the pitcher after the game, he’d tell you how much he was trying to “entice” the batter into hitting the ball hard.

When McCarver isn’t saying some of the most asinine things I ever heard, he’s making the obvious sound like an insightful revelation. “The reason the catcher turns his glove like that is because he’s trying to catch the ball.” Wow, such an epiphany. 

In other news: Why do they still make pennies when they cost 1.7 cents to make? 

True story: A lady came up to me a few weeks ago and asked me if I was the guy who wrote this very newspaper column. When I told her I was, she said she recognized me from the photo that accompanies the article. Then she quipped, “You don’t look anything like your picture.”

What does one say back to someone who says “You don’t look anything like your picture!”? How are you supposed to react to that?

OK, it’s your turn. I’ll give you 1.7 cents for your thoughts.

And that’s the way it looks from the Valley.

Tom Valley is a strict conformist from Medina who never follows the rules. Reachable at Tvalley@rochester.rr.com.