Lockport Union-Sun & Journal — We’re here with a Congressman from your state who has agreed to give us candid answers to the questions that have been on everyone’s mind for a very long time. We want to thank you for your time today, Mr. Congressman.
Mr. Congressman: Oh, it is no trouble at all. I wasn’t really doing anything today anyways, except throwing wadded up pieces of paper into my wastebasket like a basketball player.
Interviewer: Wadded up pieces of paper?
MC: Yes. My secretary brings me envelopes with handwritten mail in them and I just use the pages as wadded up paper basketballs.
Int: Wouldn’t those be letters from your constituents?
MC: Letters from my what?
Int: Your constituents. You know, the people who voted you into office.
MC: Oh, of course. Of course.
Int: Uh huh. Mr. Congressman, when you ran for office, did you tell the American people that you would use their government as leverage to push your personal agenda?
MC: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Their government? Look, WE are the government and WE make the rules. The only time that what we say to the public matters is when it is getting close to elections and we need good poll numbers to grab the votes that allow us to keep these sweet jobs.
Int: What about your track record? Don’t you think that will follow you into elections?
MC: Track record? Look, the American people have an incredibly short memory. Why do you think so many of us incumbents keep winning our seats back each election? We count on that short memory to keep putting us back here.
Int: Why are you using the American government as a pawn in your twisted game of chess?
MC: Oh, you mean the whole shutdown thing?