VALLEY: All in the name of fun and death

June 25, 2008 02:52 pm

— I’m in a cheerful mood and so I thought I’d write something uplifting. Something that is neither depressing nor morbid. And thus, I’ve chosen a topic that always keeps people rolling in the aisles with laughter. Today’s column is about death and obituaries.
Yes, there seems to be a contradiction directly north of this sentence but I’ve been sitting at this keyboard far too long, trying to think of a way to hook you into this article and so, it’ll just have to do.
I think it was Mel Brooks who once said something to the effect that if you bump your head on something, it’s serious; but if someone else dies by walking into an open manhole on the street, it’s funny.
With that in mind, let it be said that my wife and I will occasionally read aloud to each other obituaries that strike us as comical. It’s done with an unspoken agreement that we keep it to ourselves — that’s why I promised her I’d never do a column about it. We don’t want anyone to think we are callous and insensitive. That would be a total misconception of who we are.
Now, if anyone happens to recognize any of these anecdotes from the obituary of a loved one, I apologize. Remember, we are not the type of people to make fun of others’ misfortune, Well, at least my wife isn’t.
We once read of a lady who “loved to drive her car, but had trouble backing up.” That’s from an actual obituary. It was our guess that those who wrote that piece once had their shiny new SUV backed into by this lady’s ’72 Nova and they weren’t going to “just forget about it.”
Another obituary gave the dates of a lady’s birth and wedding, listed surviving family members and added “she loved bingo." That was the synopsis of her whole life! She loved bingo! That was it! Her whole life wrapped around Tuesday evenings at the Knights of Columbus.
It’s my philosophy that people should live their first 30 years doing good things in order to pad their resumes — and live the rest of their lives doing good things in order to pad their obituaries.
I’m also amused when someone 103 years old passes away and the paper says that he “died suddenly.” Suddenly? The guy had lived 99 percent longer than the world’s population since the beginning of time and some moron claims it was sudden?
That’s right up there with the one I saw about a fellow who passed away at the wonderful age of 98 and the obituary claimed that he had “died unexpectedly.” Unexpectedly? He was 98! Just what kind of life-expectancy did someone have in mind for this guy? You might want to re-think that one, Mr. Arithmetic Genius.
Another thing that struck me odd happened just the other day. Apparently, a man plunged to his death from an airplane. He was in a skydiving plane and jumped without a parachute — in what was deemed to be a suicide. The paper went on to say that an autopsy was performed and it was determined that “massive trauma” was the cause of death. DUH!!! Do you think? Did they forget that he jumped out of a plane?
I thought an autopsy was done to find out the cause of death. What did they think happened to him? A fatal case of acne? Even without medical training and the fact that I was thousands of miles away from the incident, I could have made that call.
And finally, it was in the news that Albert Hoffmann died. He was a Swiss chemist who self-described himself as the “father of LSD.”
That’s right! In 1938, he came across the hallucinogenic drug that became synonymous with the 1960s hippie movement. He was 102 years old. He was predeceased by his brain in 1940 — is my hunch.
Among the assets listed “left behind” by Mr. Hoffmann were: seven Grateful Dead T-shirts, a couple of filthy-stinking headbands with a peace logo and his prized collection of Cheech and Chong albums.
I hope his final trip was a pleasant one.
And that’s the way it looks from the Valley.
Tom Valley is a Medina resident. His column runs every Thursday. Write to Tvalley@rochester.rr.com.

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